Movie Night Payback
by obsidianLight16
Summary: A little bit of payback is in order for the fiasco at the Amusement Park. And Konan knows just the thing that makes all the men of Akatsuki squirm in fear.


**A/N: Spinoff my other fic, Tunnel of Love. **

**Konan takes great pleasure in psyching out her fellow Akatsuki members. **

**No offense towards Santa. He's a funny guy. **

**Warning: Language, OOC, weird stuff...**

* * *

><p>Konan's footsteps could be heard making their way down the dark empty hall that belonged to the bedrooms of the Akatsuki. Her pretty face was turned into something akin to an evilly plotting Grimlin, and the chainsaw in her hand wasn't exactly helping to destroy that image. "Come out, come out, wherever you are~" she sweetly sang into the hall. "You bitches can't hide forever..."<p>

Deidara nearly had a heart attack as the only woman of Akatsuki walked by his bedroom, her chainsaw making blood rush to his ears and heart pound mercilessly. Luckily Kakuzu had the mind to slap a hand over the blonde's mouth before he could let out a terrified shriek at Konan's sweet callings.

"Don't make any noise," Kakuzu quietly muttered, dragging the blonde away from the door. He released the bomber and let out a heavy sigh. "This has gotten worse than I thought..."

Deidara looked at the masked nin with a throbbing vein. "Is there a reason why everyone is in _my _room yeah?" He waved a hand at the assembled group.

Sasori, Itachi, and Kisame were sitting on his bed, Tobi was huddled in the far corner of the room rocking back and forth, Zetsu was hiding in the shadows, and Hidan was trying and failing to take cover behind a lamp post.

The atmosphere was heavy and tense, filled with apprehension although Itachi and Sasori tried to keep their wits about them.

"Your room has the most leg-space," Kakuzu mumbled, averting his gaze. "We need to think of some way to escape before Konan catches us."

"Why is she even after us?" Zetsu questioned in a low murmur. **"Idiot. Don't you remember at the Amusement Park?"**

* * *

><p>-<em>Condensed<em> _Flashback-_

* * *

><p><em>"Idea!" Hidan shouted loudly, voice echoing in the cave they had just turned into. "ROCK THE BOAT!"<em>

_"What the hell are you doing?" Kakuzu roared._

_Hidan merely laughed louder, almost causing their small boat to capsize. "Row, row, row, your boat, roughly down the stream, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life's a fucking dream!"_

_"QUIT IT YOU DUMBASS!"_

_"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"_

_(About eight minutes later)_

_Konan lifted her head off Pein's shoulder. "What was that?"_

_"I don't know…" Pein narrowed his eyes._

_Their answer came within the next second._

_Along with a half-drowned Deidara, peeved Sasori, and raging Tobi who were heading straight for the lovely couple in a mess of two broken boats and a huge-ass tsunami that defied all laws of gravity and logic._

_"OH MY GOD!" Konan screamed._

* * *

><p><em>-End Condensed Flashback-<em>

* * *

><p>"Or...it was something like that," Zetsu sweatdropped.<p>

"Oh yeah. Her date got ruined. That could be the reason for her lack of sanity," Itachi thoughtfully said.

"She doesn't have to go all psycho though!" Hidan loudly whispered, waving his arms around.

Deidara angrily stared at him. "You _idiot_! _You're _the reason why she's after us in the first place un! You're lucky we don't just chuck you out the room and leave you to her wrath!"

"Tch." Hidan squinted his eyes at the blonde from his position by the lamp. "You wouldn't be able to kick me out if you fucking tried blondie."

Deidara's eye twitched. "Wanna bet?"

Hidan pulled an eyelid down and stuck out his tongue.

Kisame held the lunging blonde back by his arms, trying to shush him before they were all maimed by the blue-haired woman currently terrorizing the base.

"Unless you want us to die brat, I suggest you pipe down," Sasori quietly ordered his partner.

Deidara huffed but settled down, stalking out of Kisame's hold.

The shark nin silently sighed in exasperation.

Suddenly, the sounds of the chainsaw and Konan's voice stopped.

"..."

They were all caught off guard by the silence, earlier apprehension sinking in.

Everyone exchanged frightened glances.

"What does it mean?" Kisame worriedly asked.

"I-Is she fuckin' gone or what?" Hidan stuttered with wide eyes.

"Someone go check," Itachi murmured. "On the count of three. One, two- not it."

"Not it."

"Not it!"

"Not it!" **"Fuck all of you, I'm not doing it."**

"Tobi's not it!"

"Not it."

"Not fuckin' it!"

"Not- dammit un!" Deidara frowned unhappily as everyone turned their gaze onto him.

"You have to do it," Kisame said in a low tone.

Hidan nodded. "No backing out hoe."

"Yeah- take one for the team," Sasori drawled, though the slight twitch of his fingers showed his anxiety.

"I hate you all un." Deidara slowly made his way towards the door, heart beating loudly against his ribcage. And then someone placed a hand on his shoulder.

"Deidara-sempai~"

A chill ran up his entire spine, causing him to jump in fear and get ready to scream.

Tobi clapped a hand over his friend's mouth. "Shh sempai! Don't be so loud!"

Deidara felt an eye twitch as he kicked the masked man away. "Baka!" he hissed. "You're the one that scared _me _un." He took a deep breath to calm himself, feeling the eyes of his comrades on his back as he approached the door once more. He hesitantly reached out a hand towards the knob, beads of sweat forming on his forehead.

"Hurry up and check," Kisame quickly whispered, adrenaline racing.

Deidara gulped hard and started twisting the knob, only to let out a wail and run behind his danna for cover. "I can't do it!" he cried with fake tears pouring down his cheeks.

Sasori rolled his eyes, patting the blonde on the head. "It's okay."

"No it's _not _okay!" Hidan said between clenched teeth, looking horrified. "The little bitch gave away our hiding spot!"

Deidara glared. "You're the one that took cover in my room in the first place un! So shut up!"

"No _you _shut up!"

"Why don't you make me?"

Itachi placed a palm to his head and sighed heavily. "Bakas..."

Kakuzu and Sasori covered their partner's mouth with narrowed eyes a little too late.

The door to the room swung open with a loud bang, Konan rigging up the chainsaw with a mad cackle and gleam in her eye. "I GOT YOU NOW SUCKERS!"

"F-F-Fuck!" Hidan shouted as he and the other members crashed into each other and ran around like cornered rats.

Konan laughed loudly. "AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

They all screamed bloody murder.

* * *

><p>Pein looked up from where he was reading Bijuu documents with a sigh, rubbing his brow at the sound of chaos echoing above. "One normal day is all I ask for..."<p>

* * *

><p>"W-Why are we down here un?" Deidara asked in a tiny voice.<p>

Konan smiled over her shoulder at him, eyes glinting dangerously. "To watch a movie. I know _just _the one you'll like."

The blonde sunk down in his seat, Kisame patting his arm comfortingly.

The terrified group of eight nukenin were huddled together on their obnoxiously huge sofa, watching as the woman of the house rummaged through a pile of movies and discs. Sasori was firmly pressed against one end of the sofa, Deidara next to him, Kisame next to the blonde, Itachi next to his partner, Kakuzu next to the Uchiha, Tobi next to the medic, Hidan next to the unhyper masked nin, and Zetsu beside the Jashinist.

Konan thought they all looked adorable with their horrified stares as she held up a DVD case for them all to see. "Guess what we're watching tonight boys?"

"No...No!" Hidan jumped up from his seat, making a dash for the exit.

Konan tackled him to the ground with a dark giggle. "And where do you think you're going Hidan-_kun_?"

Hidan whimpered.

If anything, the other members seemed more inclined to run away than before.

As if sensing this, Konan snapped her head around, fixing Deidara and Itachi with a glare. "You two- get the drinks from the fridge now. If food's the only thing that's going to keep you here then you might as well grab that too."

The two youngest members scurried off without so much another word.

Konan watched them with a pleasant smile, grabbing Hidan in a headlock before dragging him back over to the couch.

"W-W-W-W-What a-are we w-watching K-Konan-chan?" Tobi blubbered out, clinging onto Kakuzu.

Kakuzu violently twitched before lifting the masked man off of him and throwing him into Zetsu.

"Thanks," Zetsu dryly said.

Konan smirked, taking the DVD out of its case. "We're watching X-mas."

Everyone stiffened.

"NOOOOO!" Kisame buried his face in Sasori's cloak. "Not that one again!"

Sasori felt a brow twitch. "Get off my cloak Kisame." He looked at Konan with half-lidded eyes. "Can't we watch something else?"

"Y-Yes," Kakuzu spoke up. "We could watch 'How the Grinch Stole Christmas'."

Konan rolled her eyes in an amused fashion. "We're not watching your life story Kakuzu. We're watching X-mas, and that's final."

"Fuck!" Hidan put his cheek in his hand and looked away. "This is why I don't fuckin' celebrate Christmas."

* * *

><p>Deidara and Itachi were quietly making their way around the kitchen, gathering everyone's favorite drink and setting them on the counter before looking for anything else they could bring. A box of sedatives would be nice, along with blindfolds and some earplugs. But unfortunately Konan had taken the liberty of hiding them all.<p>

The sadistic woman wanted them all to suffer!

"Where are the sweets?" Itachi softly asked, wandering over to their sink cabinets and riffling through them.

Deidara looked up from where he was pulling out a pair of bowls from a drawer. "They're in the fridge. Kakuzu put them in there yesterday because they were starting to melt."

"Hn."

"Why are you getting candy anyway hmm?" Deidara questioned, walking by him to bring out several Family size bags of chips.

Itachi pulled the chocolate out of the fridge, paused, and then went back in to get the tray of emergency dango he always kept in the bottom shelf. "Tobi's nerves get really jittery when we watch movies with Konan. If we didn't have anything to calm him, he'd probably go insane and kill us all."

The blonde sweatdropped. "I- I see..."

"I might as well get enough for everyone in that case," Itachi said, backtracking out the fridge with his arm stuffed full of sweets.

"How unusually kind of you Itachi un," Deidara murmured, dumping the bags of chips into indentical bowls.

"It's not just for them," Itachi murmured back. "It's for me too."

The two shared a glance.

"Think we can escape?" Deidara hopefully whispered.

"Not a chance in Hell," a feminine voice said from the kitchen doorway.

Itachi and Deidara stiffened, slowly looking to where Konan stood, watching them with a large smirk and hawk's eye.

"Thanks for getting the snacks," Konan said. "Allow me to help you carry them..."

The two young men hung their heads. _No way to escape. _

* * *

><p>As soon as Deidara entered with the bowl of snacks, Kakuzu tried to maul him.<p>

"GIVE ME THE FOOD OF LIFE!" he yelled.

Deidara squeaked in a very unmanly fashion, shoving the bowl at him before jumping over the couch and huddling in between his danna and Kisame.

Itachi followed in a more sedately manner, sitting beside his partner and dumping the sugary contents into his lap. He expected Tobi and Kisame to stock up on the treats immediately.

What he didn't expect- was to have those around him try and shove their hands down his pants in an attempt to grab the sweets.

Itachi's eyes turned red. "Back off!" he shouted, pushing Hidan's face away and kicking Kisame in the stomach. His other arm was trying to cradle his candy.

"You can't hog it all to yourself!" Kakuzu said.

"You have the _entire _bowl of chips in your arms fatass!" Itachi yelled at him.

"So!"

"Aw..." Deidara crossed his arms, ignoring the chaos on his left side and slouching down in the sofa. "I wanted dango..."

Sasori gazed at him and then stood, going over to the dogpile that was Itachi buried beneath half the other members. He tapped Itachi's arm. The only part of his body visible other than a few locks of his dark hair.

Itachi's hand twitched.

"I want dango please," he intoned.

Itachi's other arm flopped out from under him with some difficulty, producing a small tray with the sweets.

Sasori turned away. "Thanks," he said, ignoring the shouts and yells around him. He sat back down beside Deidara and then held the tray out. "I got your dango," he explained at the baffled look on his partner's face.

Deidara grinned, pulling the other man into a one-armed embrace before devouring the dango. "Thanks Sasori-no-danna!" he said through puffed cheeks.

Sasori smirked and then resting his elbow on the arm of the sofa. "Sure brat."

**"Who needs things like chips and sugar when you can eat the person beside you?" **Black Zetsu laughed. _"Well I am kind of hungry,"_ White Zetsu mumbled.

Hidan paled drastically, trying to get up from the couch once more but being held down by Konan's foot on his chest. "Fuck woman- let me move!"

Zetsu looked at Hidan thoughtfully. "If we get scared, he should be good enough."

"Dammit _no!_"

"What's going on here?" a curious voice questioned.

Everyone turned their heads as one. "Leader-san!" they exclaimed, finally climbing off Itachi who gasped and wheezed for air.

"He's come to save us!" Kisame cheered.

"Thank Kami..." Sasori muttered.

Konan looked up at the doorway. "Hello Pein, would you mind turning the lights off?"

Pein shrugged and did as asked, seemingly missing the squeals of terror from the men piled on the sofa. Because, come _on, _S-ranked criminals would never _squeal_. "Is this what you'll all be doing tonight?"

"Pretty much," Konan smiled. "Want to join us?"

The orange-haired man gazed at the horrified state his other members were in. "What are you watching?"

"X-mas."

"No thanks." Pein quickly ducked out of sight, calling something over his shoulder about needing to finish some paperwork.

"LEADER-SAN!" the poor men of Akatsuki cried.

"He abandoned us," Tobi sniffled. "We're doomed."

**"Yeah- and all the snacks are with Kakuzu the Scrooge and Itachi the-" **Black Zetsu cut himself off, seeing the glare from the Uchiha. "Er- Itachi the Great."

Konan held a finger in front of her lips. "Shush everyone. It's starting."

All of them quieted down some, if anything, pressing closer together.

Jashin-damn Konan and her movies.

* * *

><p>(Opening Credits)<p>

* * *

><p>"What the fuck!" Hidan screeched, holding a pillow up in front of him. "Not even one fucking minute into the goddamn movie and some bitch has already lost her-"<p>

"Don't say it," Sasori interrupted with wide eyes, seemingly unable to tear his gaze from the T.V. despite every fiber in his body telling him to do so.

"Tobi's never leaving cookies for Santa Claus again," Tobi mumbled.

Zetsu sharply looked at him. **"No! If we don't leave cookies, then all our efforts at luring the fat man to our chambers will be ruined!" **

Sasori glanced at the plant. "There's something wrong with you."

"Isn't there something wrong with all of us?" Kisame inquired with a raised brow.

"_No_," Sasori huffed, looking away.

"But danna- you're a puppet."

"..."

"He has a point," Itachi said.

"Shut up!"

"Guys, quiet down," Konan ordered. "Or else I'll bring out the chainsaw again."

There was a long period of silence after that.

* * *

><p>Up in his darkened chambers, the leader of Akatsuki was facing a terrible predicament.<p>

Pein pressed his hands to his eyes, trying to will himself not to fall asleep at his desk. "Stupid papers. Why can't anyway take care of their own business without coming to us for help?" he muttered, attempting to burn the documents with his glare.

It might've worked if he concentrated just a bit more...

He briefly wondered how his fellow members were doing. After all, he had kind of just left them to face Konan's wrath.

Pein eyes landed on the mountain of files on his desk again. "Dammit!"

He had to deal with this problem first.

* * *

><p>"OH MY GOD- SANTA'S <em>NOT <em>SUPPOSED TO DO THAT!" Kisame screamed, covering his eyes.

"Wow." Zetsu blinked. "I really don't want Santa anymore..." **"Meh. I dunno...the guy still has _some _appeal to him."**

Tobi was sobbing mercilessly into his palms. "No! Not the stockings!"

Deidara slouched down, peeking at the screen through his fingers. "That poor baby un..."

"Hahahaha," Konan loudly laughed, startling the group.

"Stop that!" a terrified Itachi yelled.

Konan grinned, pulling and eyelid down in his direction. "Hohohohohoho-"

Itachi ducked his head underneath Kakuzu's arm. "Shut up Konan!"

Kakuzu was too petrified with horror to bother moving him off. "All those presents...such...a...waste of money!" he hollered, shaking a fist at the screen. "Screw you Santa and your psychopathic killing! Parents spent _money _on those gifts you cookie whore!"

"Kakuzu shut the hell up," Sasori hissed from the other end of the sofa. All the shouting was giving him a headache, and serving to make his nerves stand on end more.

"Damn Deidara," Hidan fiercely growled.

Deidara sat up straight, shooting daggers at the older man. "What?"

"Fucking blondie. If you hadn't wailed and given away out hiding spot, then we could be safely locked in our rooms upstairs and never had gotten caught by the crazy bitch and her horror movie fetish," Hidan scowled, crossing his arms. "We should've just stuffed a sock in your mouth!"

Deidara flung the bowl of potato chips he had managed to steal back from Kakuzu at the Jashinist's head in a rage. "What are you talking about?"

Those caught in between the two were showered in salt and crumbs.

"Ow bitch! Watch it!" Hidan ripped the bowl off his head, ignoring how he almost took Zetsu's face along with it. "Don't take your anger out on me!"

"This is all _your _fault to begin with un! You and your stupid boat rocking!"

"Yeah well- shut up!"

"Oh pipe down and enjoy the show," Konan dismissively waved at the bickering gang. "It's not so bad anymore. Girl Scout's Honor."

All eyes travel back to the movie screen.

"..."

"LIES UN!"

Hidan covered his face with both hands. "FUCKING HELL!"

"Too bad I'm not a Girl Scout," Konan snickered, throwing a handful of popcorn into her mouth. Nothing beat getting revenge on a bunch of S-ranked criminals.

Except trapping them in a man-hole together. But that was a different story.

The blue-haired woman grinned, relishing in the terrified state the men of Akatsuki had sunk into. _Hahaha...pansies. _

An image flashed on the screen.

Konan shrieked, ducking behind an equally scared Kisame. _What the hell! That is so messed up! Damn me for not looking at the labels and putting in the Uncut Version!_

"Son of a bitch!" Hidan cussed. "I don't remember this part being in here!"

"What would you remember?" Konan shouted at him. "You had your eyes closed the entire time!"

"Fuck you!"

The next scene was even worse.

_"Hohoho..." _The Santa on the screen said. _"I know when you are sleeping...I _know _when you're awake...You've been a naughty child this year... And now you'll never wake..." _He chuckled merrily before swinging his bloodied butcher knife down towards the little girl's head.

"HOLY CRAP!" they all screamed, sheilding their faces with their arms.

* * *

><p>-An Hour and a Half Later-<p>

* * *

><p>"KYAAAAAAAAAAAAA! <em>NO! <em>NOT MY ARM- AAAAUUUUUGHHGHHH!"

Pein's head jerked up, knee slamming on the underside of his desk at the high-pitched scream he could only identify with either Konan or Hidan. And it didn't sound good. He pushed out of his chair, still trying to process what was going on in his sleep-induced state as he half-ran half-lumbered out his chambers and down the hallways to the living room where the source of the noise was coming from.

_Are we under attack? Did Hidan shove Itachi in a small room again? Why hasn't the screaming stopped yet? Why am I running in the wrong direction? _

He quickly made a U-turn and then dashed down the right hallway.

Pein stumbled into the living room a second later, blearily rubbing his eyes as he flipped on the light switch. "What in Kami's name are you all-" he cut himself off, blinking at the sight that greeted him.

There were chips and popcorn everywhere, empty soda cans littering the floor, and several bowls which once held snacks flipped upside-down. Candy wrappers decorated the sofa anf carpet. The T.V. was blasting some gruesome horror film filled with bad special effects and a lot of screaming. And that alone was enough to blind any man as well as make them deaf. But no- that wasn't what he was looking at. He was looking at the members of Akatsuki sprawled _around _the television set.

Tobi was curled up into one corner of the sofa, mask tilted askew as his thumb was in his mouth. Lying with his feet on the maskes man's lap was Hidan, who had taken up half of the sofa and was slobbering like a baby all over a knocked-out Kisame's legs. The shark nin's head was lolled backwards, a knee brought up to his chest while the other leg dangled off the side of the couch. It was this leg that Sasori had clutched onto in his sleep on the floor, facing the couch with his back to the T.V. screen. His younger partner had taken to linking arms with him, facing the opposite direction with a leg thrown haphazardly over Itachi's waist who in turn had grabbed Kakuzu in a death-grip and refused to let go. Leaning against the side of the sofa with Tobi on it was Zetsu, head peacefully drooping with Konan curled into his side.

Pein slowly surveyed the group. "These guys..." he muttered. He walked over to the T.V. and shut it off, turning the power off their DVD player as well. The living room was enveloped in darkness, brightened only by a faint hue of green and blue which signaled oncoming daybreak.

All that could be heard were the calm breaths of the S-ranked nins, although Hidan and Deidara's occasional snores and mumbles broke that.

Pein shook his head before heading for the tiny spot of open space on Kisame's other side, carefully sitting and pulling his knees to his chest. "Oh well..." he mumbled. He could bother them about the mess they had made later. And maybe take them out for a picnic somewhere afterwards. _Or we could repaint the base or go bowling or plant some trees or..._

And with that, the last Akatsuki member drifted off to slip, head falling onto Kisame's shoulder.

_Or we could sit here like this, forever. _

* * *

><p><strong>AN: I've never loved Akatsuki like I have right now. TvT**

**It went from humor to...cuteness? Oh well. Can't say I hate it.**

**About the movie X-mas... Yeah...it doesn't exist. I made it up in my warped little mind. But think about it guys. I mean that'd be the sickest horror movie ever! Crushing little children's dreams of Santa and leaving a murdering fat man in its place! The guy sneaks down people's chimneys and kills all the naughty children who haven't lived up to his liking. He even has a theme song! 'Santa Claus is Coming to Town'. The people would live in fear of this guy! He stalks their everyday lives. And the last thing you here before dying is his theme song before sung. **

**Scary as crap people. **

**That being said, I do love Santa and the Polar Express. **

**I'm just slightly more _paranoid_. **

**^-^u**

**Btw, Row Row Fight the Power is an awesome song. Check it out on Youtube! The meaning behind the words makes it pretty powerful, but you'll have to listen to it a few times for it to settle in your mind :D**


End file.
